I'm gonna talk about the big break that happened to me in 2009. It was the big break from college, the big break from social life, normal life, the big heart break.
Life changed.
In the essay I wrote for my College Entrance, I talked about how the University would be my second home, how I would work hard. I asked myself in that essay, and I quote "Would I give up or would I be careless of my own fate? Or maybe I could pass all the obstacles with my chin up."
Truth is, I give up not because I didn't care of my own fate, or that I couldn't pass the obstacles, but I give up because that's the only thing I could do.
In 2005, my dad left hometown to the capital, followed by my brother who graduated in 2007, leaving me and my mom behind. It's not a problem, they left because they had to, and my mom and I was okay. But when my mom followed them in 2009, that's when everything changed.
At first, I was fine, I was living with my grandma, I was doing good with college, I had no problem at all, until loneliness hit me. I think it was something about my own mind, I just felt abandoned, even though I was not. When the first term in college started (second half of the year) my will to survive college gradually went down, the subjects and tasks getting harder, and I just lost inspiration for my designs. The worst of it all is the money problem.
I started getting insomnia, I could only sleep an hour or two a day. Withdrawal and changed in personality makes me feel hard to see my friends, I started getting problem on working in team, even though my friends kept trying to make me feel better, but it's just me, I'd just went home early and working in my room all day. I suffered weight loss but my family 'praised' me for successfully losing weight. I lost 10 kg from 60 kg. It's weird to be praised when it was never you intention to begin with.
I was sick mentally and physically. I lost track of myself, of what I wanted, I started to changed from the person who wants to do things, to the person who will just do whatever others do, I used to say 'let's do this' but changed to someone who would say 'if you want to do it I'll go with you'. I started walking behind my friends instead of leading, I refused to talk in the presence of others, I don't want to make new friends, and I even cut my hair out of anger.
Suicidal thought started to make its debut in my mind.
Then I stopped going to college.
What prevented me of suicide was the thought that I would bring shame to mom, to grandma, I would make them sad, I would make the whole family talked about my parents, I would make the people around them blaming those I left. Most of all, I would not achieve anything from it. I guess it was because I never thought of myself at the first place, that's why I don't do what I wanted to do. Not even suicide.
I've never talked about this to anyone, I don't like talking about it with others face to face, I am someone who would cry when I feel unfairness, and the whole things that happened to me is so unfair that I would cry my heart out if I ever started talking about this, and I hate it when people see me cry. That's why I put it on my blog, I don't care if no one reads it, I just want it out of my heart, to let go of the burden I've kept for so many years, and no, I am not crying right now.
If you ever had the thought of suicide, please learn from me, death is just death, you don't gain anything of it, but leaving shame to those you left behind, those you probably hate, and love.
Thanks for reading.